Friday, August 9, 2013

Blue Mountain

I guess Eric was missing his Bitterroot homies so he invited to us to his new pad to hang with the Missoula Tea Bagging crew.  While seven of Wednesday night gang managed the drive to Blue Mountain, only one of the Missoula bros could find it within themselves for a group gang bang. What could explain their absence.  It was a different night than usual, so maybe that go the date wrong. Blue Mountain is a least a mile west of Reserve Street, which puts you way out in Hicksville. Anyone knows that going farther west than Russell risks your street cred, or whatever the equivalent is for a bunch of scrawny college educated white guys. Probably means you get banned from the Clark Fork Farmer's Market, or they rip the 103.3 Trail sticker off the Subaru.

Most likely they were scared.  Having gone soft in the big city drinking chamomile at Cafe Dolce, they knew they couldn't face us in our hyper testosterone glory.  Now we know why they are called the Tea Baggers rather than the Tea Baggees.  In their state of advanced gonadal atrophy their sorry sacks resembled used and shriveled up herbal tea samples, something hardly worth wrapping your lips around; compared to our pitcher sized tea bags, bulging with the finest leaves from the high altitude plantations of Darjeeling, anxious to release their essence.  I think next time they stop by the Good Foods Store, after their latest session of manscaping or paddle board yoga, they need to make sure their smoothie is supplemented with two stroke oil rather than flaxseed.

Since arriving in the Bitterroot, rumors of crowds and tame trails have dissuaded me from venturing north to sample the trails around Missoula.  These stories have some basis in truth.  The parking lots at both the Rattlesnake and Blue Mountain were packed and there were plenty of dogs and running shoe clad citizens to avoid and brake for.  I was impressed by the pile of shale next to the trails on lower Blue Mountain, they people over the years have diligently moved off the trail.  On the other hand the farther away you get from the trailhead the more interesting the riding gets with more rocks, steeper climbs and more technical descents.  I had forgotten what it like to have trail systems where the whole ride is single track and there are more options than clock wise or counter clockwise.  I have no desire to give up our long descents and hike a bikes, but I wouldn't mind more fire road free climbs, and riding from town.

For our MIA Missoula brethren, I have a series of questionnaire for you to contemplate.

  • Do you have a decrease in libido (sex drive) ?
  • Do you have a lack of energy?
  • Do you have a decrease in strength and/or endurance?
  • Have you lost height?
  • Have you noticed a decrease in your enjoyment of life?
  • Are you sad and/or grumpy?
  • Are your erections less strong?
  • Have you noticed a recent deterioration in your ability to play sports?
  • Are you falling asleep after dinner?
If so you are probably suffering from low MB, and there is only one cure. Get your damn lazy asses on the saddle, find some dirt and start pedaling.

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